I’m back with some updates after letting some recent events settle in my head. I didn’t intend to make this a two-part story, but I can’t shake the urge to highlight the new gaps I’ve identified and share them so others can at least be aware. As you might know from my last post, I’ve been dealing with a local cyberstalker and the reality that there is so little that can be done due to lack of process. Consequently, I’ve spent the past month navigating numerous police visits, welfare checks, self-instructed legal lessons, paranoid thoughts, and worried friends and family. I’ve learned a lot about our legal systems, the power (and limitations) of HR, and the importance of making noise when facing a situation like this, as a strong network can be your most powerful resource.
Some rules to establish before I dive into this: I will continue to withhold names and granular details for the sake of focusing on systemic issues. The cyberstalker will be referred to as “dude” because I refuse to give any attention, good or bad, to a narcissist. He’d love it too much. Name-and-shame posts don’t work for situations like this so we’re not going to go there. I am also not interested in naming the organizations in the mix that complicated the situation, as it’s less about who’s involved as it is the policies and procedures to which they’re bound. To tie it all back, I want to be clear about tech being a breeding ground for these perfect conditions. I want you all to see how you, too, can find yourself in a pickle due to the Cover Your Ass (CYA) ways of status quo. Good? Well, not good, but…hopefully you get my ground rules.
Let’s dust off a point I made over a month ago in Part 1:
DO remain patient. These cases are painfully slow especially if the internet is the medium. I do not believe our current legal system is built to handle the nuance and noise of the internet so all police involvement was rather pointless without in-person interactions.
As much as I wish I could say much has changed in my efforts of escalating to sergeant levels and county-level, mental health agents (I requested that they’d be dispatched to dude), I still stand by the fact that there aren’t enough procedures in place to handle the nuance of cyberstalking and online harassment. Our laws are so focused on a physical attack or direct threat that most of whatever is said or done online, despite the power of the internet in 2019, will not result in any consequences. Take for example the fact that I received a midnight welfare check from the police (not from my town; more on that soon) because a nervous coworker read dude’s latest blog post that featured a “Crystal Sivensky” being kidnapped, drugged, and held captive to learn a lesson.
YUP.
Note: dude’s latest post and this police call happened barely two days after I posted my story. I’ll never know if I stirred up that frustration, but the timing is interesting. So there I was, on my couch in the dark (though very awake because y’know midnight is early for me), chatting with a random officer from a neighboring town. He was gentle and sincere; I could tell that he was troubled by the obvious parallels. “You sure you’re okay? Crystal Sivensky sounds a lot like your name.” Yup. No denying what’s going on here. I didn’t tell him I was shaking during that phone call, but that I appreciated his concern and that there wasn’t much I could do about the ongoing situation — at least according to my town’s police department. This got me thinking: not only am I at the mercy of antiquated legal systems, but I’m also bound by the judgement of my local officers and judges. Plus, I’m in a state that requires different levels of evidence or criteria before charges. The recurring story I got from multiple officers was that the blog posts and direct messages wouldn’t hold up in court or convince this particular judge I could see these officers envision. Who was this judge? How do I know they’re equipped to understand the nuance of this situation? Meanwhile, a neighboring officer was able to call out the blatant parallels and recognize the threat. What if I lived in that neighboring town? Would I have gotten different treatment? How does this play into the blatant inequities in Rochester at large? A historic city marred by vast social disparities? What if I were in a different state? I largely appreciate the laws in NY and often compared them to my hometown state, but I suddenly felt like there were way too many hoops to jump and people to convince in a situation that felt so obvious.
Check this horn-tooting example from FindLaw: “New York is often a trendsetter when it comes to passing new criminal laws. It was one of the first states to enact a stalking law…” And yet, nothing over here. I’d have to accept that not only will dude skate from any charges, but I can’t even get a restraining order despite all the ridiculous stories and antics. He will continue to carry on as if nothing happened. Well, almost. Let’s shift to the HR side of these situations, as there’s more to chew on there.
Another quick refresher for this next point: dude harassed a few other women in this whole ordeal, some of whom were coworkers. This unfortunate reality resulted in an appropriate termination and these women were escorted to and from their building for weeks as an extra precaution. Such a mess, but hey! HR was able to do something where the police weren’t. Sounds like progress, but even still — none of this sticks to any sort of record or leaves a trace for future reference. You could say, “but wait, Kristen, companies do reference checks! They’d surely find out that someone was fired for behavioral reasons.” Nope! This is back to the CYA antics in HR and company settings: reference checks will most likely focus on start and end dates of employment and never touch on any other details surrounding someone’s employment or why it ended. Why, you ask? Lawsuits. Companies aren’t interested in getting slammed with slander accusations or any other angles that could come from stating details about a termination. Instead of sharing important information like “by the way, this guy harassed the hell out of people and did very odd things in the office,” the requesting company or agency will get a simple acknowledgement that time was served there. That’s it. Nothing more. Perhaps you’re wondering what would have happened if I got a restraining order. The answer is: nothing. Non-criminal restraining orders do not show up on background checks. So between the police and HR, folks like dude will skate by undetected while those in the trail are left scrambling for closure and safety. This brings me to my next point: why tech is ideal for these tricky conditions.
Now, I want to preface with the fact that I own this opinion and the impact of my words based on anecdotal evidence and over a decade in this industry. That said, when you mix someone like dude with the high-demand, historically-low-EI, plug-and-play, go-fast-break-things world of tech, you’re bound to see the systems miss red flags. A semi-charismatic, experienced, and determined narcissist could schmooze all the gatekeepers into a false sense of security while skipping the troubling details. Not only that, but I can easily assume that folks on the hiring side aren’t digging deep enough to catch troubling behaviors during an interview process. I can’t say I have an easy solution to this that keeps a steady flow for both the company and the candidates, but the added level of desperation in some tech companies makes me nervous as hell. Dude will thrive in tech in terms of getting his next job just as he did in gaining his validation through online groups. Plus, tech doesn’t exactly demand stellar interpersonal skills (much to my disappointment) in folks that will spend all their time staring at a computer. I’ve watched over and over again how “objective and logical” personalities turn heads in companies that don’t realize that safety, trust, and respect are the catalysts to healthy team dynamics and innovation. Too many tech companies are focused on the wrong traits when building a team (if focused at all) and boy oh boy does dude win.
I’ve watched over and over again how “objective and logical” personalities turn heads in companies that don’t realize that safety, trust, and respect are the catalysts to healthy team dynamics and innovation.
So let’s recap: a cyberstalker can torment individuals both online and in person, get fired for that behavior, not have a single record to their name, not have the details come up in a reference check, convince the employee-strapped hiring manager that they’re fit for the job, and get hired again in the course of a month. The cycle repeats. What a happy ending /s. While I’m in no way hoping to end someone’s life or ability to make some sort of living, I’m certainly hoping to highlight how quickly this can all turn back around and that a lesson is rarely learned. Not enough processes and paths to success in place.
I get that was a daunting summary so let’s wrap up by scraping together some power in an otherwise powerless situation. What can be done? What actually helps this situation? GET LOUD. I’ve found that my network has been my strongest protection, as friends familiar with the situation would catch patterns and raise flags that would otherwise get lost in all these systems that are built to protect us. Funny how that works. Police are looking for blood and broken, antiquated rules; HR is looking to protect the company (change my mind!); but your friends and local community can be the extra eyes and ears you need to stay safe and call attention when needed. Plus, writing about it like I did was not only a means of processing but got a ton more people on their toes about this stuff. This is how we can build better systems in the future. I appreciate all of those that tuned in.
So there you have it. I’d like to be my snarky and peppy self about all this, but I want to maintain a serious tone due to the harsh reality that I’ve been a sitting duck throughout this ordeal. I still don’t even know if it’s over or if the threat will ever truly go away, but I’ll continue to talk about it in the meantime. Do yourself a favor and run through a few of these scenarios with your friends, family, your company, your HR, etc. See if they have any policies or procedures today and help get the ball rolling if they don’t. It’s hard enough to qualify these events in real time so, in the least, check that someone has considered the reality so you can be proactive. Good luck out there, kind reader, and stay safe!
