Happy Holidays, friends! I’m currently buried in a new Sherpa blanket and wanted to recap some themes that have been floating around my head this past year: “setting boundaries and avoiding absolutes” and “know your impact.” I’m working towards the “boundaries” recap, as that one’s been tricky with ongoing interpersonal bumps and lessons in that road. Needs more time and reflection. So, I’m going to use the recent injection of the Paradox of Safety dude’s (I’ll continue to refer to him as dude; read Part 1 and Part 2 for context) insistence that he’s not stalking me to highlight the importance of knowing what we bring to the table. I won’t make this whole thing about him because, frankly, he doesn’t deserve this much space in my head and thoughts. I’ll shift to myself as an additional case study for this K Study to tie it up with a bow. Merry Christmas. Just what you wanted 🙂
Given the two posts I’ve written about the dude, I’m going to spare the details and jump to the fact that he ignored all my blocks, recently created a new Twitter account, and DM’d me two days ago to “explain” himself as a last-ditch (we can hope!) effort to make himself feel understood or cleared up. He kindly granted me the right to call this behavior gaslighting — because it is — and so I’ll use the unwelcomed dissertation as a means of showcasing how humans impact one another often through centering themselves and blatantly ignoring the variables in play. Let’s recall my summary of this dude from Part 1:
I’d come to find that I was dealing with an enabled, high-IQ (I won’t say intelligent), bipolar, privileged, coddled, imaginative, out-of-touch, sleep-deprived, immature, tech-savvy, narcissistic, and deeply misogynistic man.
The bullshit I’ve (and many friends and family) had to endure the past couple of months because of this dude’s unchecked nonsense makes his feeble attempt at an explanation even more ridiculous. While he claims to understand my feelings in this whole ordeal, his attitude still suggests that his pains and needs are worthy of the backlashes and fear he perpetually feeds into the world around him. Hard no. This is a dude that is centering himself. As if he’s owed something. As if the world is only unfair to him. As if we’re to bend to his need and ignore his toxic impact. As if explaining himself to oblivion will justify the months of damage. As if I give a fuck in the first place! Let’s use a clear example from dude’s latest effort:
“I spoke my heart anyways, despite the fact that you are married, not because I expected a response, but because it hurt me more to keep such love contained without some expression of it.”
This cold, apathetic, selfish approach to an explanation is no better than plopping a dick on the table while saying, “deal with it.” And yet, the centering continues. “Me me me me but what about me!?” Instead of opting to understand (or care about) his impact, he digs himself a deeper hole or endlessly spins in his plethora of clashing mindsets. The cycle continues, the victim list will grow, his self-loathing antics will stack, and only he can make it stop. But how? I’ll tell you. Know what you bring to the table:
Hi! I’m Kristen. I’m a 32-year-old-cis-straight-white woman with assloads of energy, curiosity, interests, and passion. I’m also stubborn, anxious, easily fixated, and often intense. My eagerness is a tragic flaw that gives me many wins but also leads me to putting my foot in my mouth. I was raised in and continue to live in a very privileged lifestyle and recognize that the world is stacked with extremely unfair systems at micro and macro levels. I feel unproductive if I’m not learning something or taking a lesson from a situation. My pals joke that I’m the most extroverted extrovert you’ll meet so I enjoy finding new pals wherever I go. I’ve learned to maintain high levels of stimulation throughout the day otherwise I’ll work myself into a panic attack because of how I’m wired. My family used to coddle my anxiety, but I prefer to treat it like a super power and channel the excessive energy into my passions. I don’t always win that battle, though, and sometimes I get extra fried. Okay! You’ve gotten enough of a taste of my personality for this next part.
I, like the dude, have my own melting pot of clashing personality traits that drives my attitudes and behaviors. Unlike dude, I prefer the “know your audience” approach to social situations and gauge how to present my top traits. Am I in a room full of shy people? Cool! I’ll ease up my spitfire energy and satiate my curiosity through listening or asking questions. Facing a tough scenario that needs a firm decision? Great! I’ll leverage my easily-fixated trait to root out potential solutions and offer an approach. Got a lull at the networking events? Wonderful! My eagerness will fill the conversational void in no time. These are all rather superficial examples that simply showcase the personality balancing act while maintaining my sense of authenticity. As we deeper dive, I’m a privileged white woman who can call out the bullshit that plagues marginalized individuals in tech without catching much heat. Hell, I usually gain more followers or have someone thank me for “being so courageous.” Not kidding. So not only is knowing your impact necessary for interpersonal situations, but this understanding can become a tool in dismantling the unfair systems or at least drawing attention to them for change. The sooner you understand how you play into these systems around you, the sooner you can find the opportunities for adjustments.
Let’s bring this all back to the dude one last time because he loves to go on and on about how unfair society is and how our “imperfect universe” burdens him with unanswered needs. He continues to torment and harass random victims with these thoughts because he does not care about his impact. If he knew how his personality cards stacked, he could at least try to balance himself in a manner that creates a productive path towards change and understanding. Now, I’d never say this is easy or a quick shortcut; I, too, am on paths that I’d never expect recognition for or even acknowledgement. Hell, they might not even be paths but grassy trails I’ve mowed down with my stubbornness. In the least, this increase in self awareness could help dude, like myself, find any paths that get away from closed doors and additional harm.
The world does not revolve around individual people; our chemistry and energy are colliding at all times and we are responsible for the outcome.
Emotional intelligence and self awareness do not come naturally for everyone. Much like a workout, we must consistently train, stretch, and fuel our minds in a manner that leads us to this desired state. We will mess up and feelings will get hurt, but to shut down and center ourselves in a difficult moment is to say that you’re the most important person in the room. The world does not revolve around individual people; our chemistry and energy are colliding at all times and we are responsible for the outcome. We must work together to not only fix our social circles, but society at large. So knock it off with the centering, deflection, and excuses. 2020 is around the corner and we all could use a new focus going into a big year. Start with the basics: know your impact.
