I often dream of writing these engaging, pull-you-right-in type of introductions, but I’m too mentally exhausted from the events these past weeks. Instead of placating my need to tell a story in a whimsical way, I’d rather jump to the plot so we can focus on the next steps. Plus, I can’t concentrate on much else until I get this heat out of my head, as the contradictions of “let the dust settle” (stay safe) and “get loud!” (raise awareness) are too apparent. I want to talk about this paradox that we tell ourselves; how we feel safer when we don’t talk about the damaging and harmful realities that set the foundation to tech’s status quo. Sound good? Great. Let’s get right to the point:
I have been involved in a local stalking and harassment case.
I’m telling you this because:
- I’m angry and refuse to be silenced because of an unchecked individual
- The situation involves tech that failed to add to my safety
- We need to talk about these extremely common situations so we can better handle them *when* they happen again
- Stereotype-perpetuating excuses were used to detract from accountability
- I’m over the paradox of being safe by not talking about these situations
I intend to gloss over or flat out avoid the details of the situation, as I’ve unfortunately triggered a handful of my pals (because this is so common) in an effort to better understand how to handle the situation. Just know that I’ve been repeatedly messaged with inappropriate and disturbing confessions each day in the first week of all this. Once I made a clear demand to stop all contact and blocked the person to oblivion (at least attempted on LinkedIn; we’ll come back to that), the confessions continued about me on Reddit, Medium, and blog posts including my full name for the following week. While I seemed to be a focal point in the confessions, other women were included and also made deeply uncomfortable. At least four women were dealing with this mess on top of our friends and support systems around us.
What started as a confession in a Slack DM shifted to a stream of consciousness on LinkedIn, of all places, which is home to one of the worst block mechanisms I’ve had to deal with to date. I don’t mean to pile on LinkedIn but come on. The fact I had to check numerous times whether I was still in a blocked state is enough to be convinced that this could be the go-to tool for bothering people. Plus, the messages kept coming. I reported twice, disconnected with this person, hit block at least three times, and yet apparently checking or viewing the messages from spam kicks you back into an unblocked state? I don’t know. I’m highlighting this because I hope someone from LinkedIn catches this and opts to do better. I felt like I had a gaping hole in my attempt to shut down social media angles and figured I’d just have to put up with the onslaught of messages.
Let’s talk about this onslaught. What actually happens when a person dumps their feelings on you in an uncontrolled manner? Figuratively, I picture a giant boulder that someone *felt obligated* to give to me. Slowly and painfully rolling it my way, apologizing, and sheepishly saying, “Here! This is yours now. You, ma’am, are welcome.” Like they did me a giant favor or warmed my heart with an untold truth. Like they watched a few too many 90’s romcoms (we’ve come a long way when you think about it). Like every woman wants a collection of enormous boulders to shift around her environment on top of our her already hectic life. GEE. THANKS, MAN.
Snark aside, I spent most of the time vacillating between my curiosity to psychoanalyze the situation and the eventual realization that I needed to treat all of this as an immediate threat. While I often joke that I’d be the “huh, what’s that noise coming from the basement?” white woman in horror films, I was trying my best to curb that tendency and pay attention to my next steps.
Real quick. Privilege! Let’s talk about how my privilege impacts this situation. Not only am I the former leader of the group that drew in this individual, but I had the power to immediately shut him out of the group in an effort to protect myself and the remaining members — which I did. Likewise, similar steps were taken in another group with which I had close ties. Additionally, I have family in the legal system that gave me a step-by-step guide for handling these situation and kept extra eyes on the case. What else helped? Oh, I have the energy and time to focus on this! I have a loving husband and a protective dog! I have brilliant friends that shared their [unfortunate] experiences! I don’t have any hesitation when considering police involvement! I have a caring crew at work that gave me the space and security to take care of this! All of that adds up to an opportunity for me to nail this down fast, eliminate the threat, and talk about it. I will treat the whole ordeal like an example; an opportunity for anyone that hears about these things but doesn’t know them first-hand. ::hands out experience on a silver platter::
Now, back to the harsh reality. Approximately 1 in 6 women and 1 in 17 men have experienced stalking at some point in their lifetime (CDC, 2015). These stats were prevalent when bouncing around the situation to my close pals. I still am not over how many of them had a story! I found myself losing focus on the whole ordeal because of my frustration about the fact that all of these lovely individuals had to endure this at some point in time. One even told me her story of when she dealt with this while 7-months pregnant! Come. On. Needless to say, stalking/cyberstalking/harassment is common. Fortunately, I managed to avoid the mess despite how public and open book I prefer to live my life. So I’d like to talk about some things I did and some things I wish I didn’t do through this recent experience. I present to you my extremely amateur and unofficial tips when dealing with harassment (ymmv; these are merely suggestions):
DO NOT assume positive intent. Given that I’ve know this individual, I found myself facing the goal of kicking my benefit of doubt tendencies. This felt like an extreme test. The final boss. “Can you withhold benefit of doubt from a perceived threat, Kristen?” I admit I floundered at first, as I tend to lead with curiosity in all situations. To a fault. Fortunately, I did do something that helped me organize my spiraling thoughts —
DO share what’s going on in your head. More often than not, these situations happen because people do not understand or care about their impacts on people. I opted to respond to the situation on a personal and professional level given that I know the individual, but I also have an obligation to my role in the organizations we’re both in. Having both angles allowed me to act authentically and compassionately but without sabotaging my seriousness in the situation. What was happening was very wrong and I had to draw the lines while stating the consequences. I also got to show the impact on my mood and emotion as a human.
DO NOT end on a vague note. I did this a few times earlier in the interactions and the results were additional advances. Make yourself very clear when in these conversations and anticipate that any openings will be used as a means to keep the conversation or messages coming. Also, having a concise request to stop all interactions comes in handy for the next part —
DO capture everything. Honestly? I think this is a must for any important conversation. We live in a time when deeply harmful conversations can be altered or edited with ease so grab them as soon as you can. Plus, you’ll need all of this for if (when) you escalate the situation or involve the police. Share them with willing friends and family so that you have pseudo witnesses to the situation. Also, having someone willing to give a statement is helpful.
DO NOT assume it’s all behind you. Stay vigilant. Hell, I still don’t know if I’m “in the clear” yet, but I also refuse to live in fear of someone that burdened me with their lack of control. We can learn through these things and find ways forward even if the path is uncomfortable or bumpy for a while. Keep talking about it and learn how to identify these situations a little faster.
DO remain patient. These cases are painfully slow especially if the internet is the medium. I do not believe our current legal system is built to handle the nuance and noise of the internet so all police involvement was rather pointless without in-person interactions. I appreciated the extra eyes on the situation, but cops required the clear proof that keyboards and IPs cannot provide. Yes, IPs included, as I talked to multiple officers that said, “Well we don’t know if it was him behind that computer, though.” Multiple women living in fear, getting escorted to work, and police on the case, but I can’t draw any legal lines in the sand? Cool, cool, cool, cool. I have a lot to say about how we should adjust these laws and standards, but that’s for another time.
DO NOT, and this one gets me going, blame this on being active on social media. While there are obvious pros and cons with regards to social media usage and “putting yourself out there,” this situation was the result of local interactions and Meetup events. I’ve been in the same room with this individual maybe four times (that I recall) in group settings and we never interacted on social media. We stifle the efforts to highlight these problems when we continue the victim-blaming tactics while searching for reasons. Bad things happen, yes, but shelling up or going backwards isn’t the solution.
Now I want to talk about some of the tidbits that deeply upset me. Sure, I was uncomfortable with the confessions, but a pattern kept popping up: this individual was using mental health, lack of emotional intelligence, and autism as an excuse for behavior that he admitted to doing in the past. His constant reference of incriminating detail that showcased his patterns made me ignore the stream of culprits he threw my way. He knew this was a problem. Plus, he’d thoughtfully highlight how his behavior was not crossing any boundaries or lines, as if he was anticipating my red flags and assuring me that what I’m thinking is not the case. Check that gaslighting box, folks. We went through a few of these ups and downs of unbridled admissions and shameful withdrawals. Still — what landed the hardest was the attempt to pin this on manic episodes and autism. This leads me back to a post I appreciate and a journey that we should all consider: The Myth of the Autistic Jerk
I have a soft spot for people that are on the spectrum and/or aren’t very good at social cues. Individuals like this are rather common in my own career in tech but also are continuing to be viewed as an untapped resource for tech talent. I find myself super comfortable with blunt and brutally honest personalities and often satiate my talkative, extroverted side with the longwinded conversations that occur as a result. I also don’t mind taking the time to explain when a situation requires a bit more attention to the social nuance and pointing it out as an aid. ::points to the countless conversations with fellow folks in tech that didn’t understand my stance on something while privately admitting their autism:: This is exactly why I found myself knee-deep in a long conversation with this man when he first blurted out his feelings. I thought for sure that he was a misunderstood individual that was attempting to express a genuine, caring thought in an awkward way. I gave him the benefit of doubt and assumed positive intent. Hours later, I fully absorbed the incriminating details that helped me realize how problematic this all was and that I was not at all safe. My attitude shifted rather quickly and I no longer answered to the bumbling male persona that was in play. I’d come to find that I was dealing with an enabled, high-IQ (I won’t say intelligent), bipolar, privileged, coddled, imaginative, out-of-touch, sleep-deprived, immature, tech-savvy, narcissistic, and deeply misogynistic man. My red flags were officially up and out. I drew firm lines — largely for legal purposes — and stopped all interactions and responses. That was eleven days ago and I still haven’t said a word.
As a result of being cutoff and blocked from me, I watched as this individual turned to the internet for validation for the following week. He’d post on Reddit, his blog, Medium, Twitter, Facebook, etc. to try and get a response or approval. He’d recap the story he told about me and other women in a search for reasoning or understanding as to why we called the police even though we made ourselves clear. He needed the world to see how “paranoid and awful” women are and that his needs and urges were most important. Worse? The internet delivered. I’d see how Redditors would answer with, “It’s better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission” and how he responded with “Thank you.” Now, to be fair, I also saw how Reddit freaking showed up and shut him down! This guy got told off by real, unfiltered Reddit! Quite the spectacle. But it didn’t matter. His ego and world view would not be deterred and he continues to think women are the problem.
Given the sensitivity of this ongoing situation, I’ve been refraining from any mention of the case in order to reduce additional attention. I did subtweet him a ton these past weeks, though. I’m a snarky, external processor and talking about ridiculous stuff is how I cope:
Herein lies the paradox of safety in tech. Somehow not talking about this would make me “safer” and less of a target. Yet, talking about it would help us challenge these antiquated laws and procedures so that we can create preventative measures. In the least, we could spot this stuff sooner. We could dig into cyberstalking patterns and adjust laws to meet modern conditions. We could continue to support that the idea of intelligence must include emotional intelligence. We could stop the use of mental health as a scapegoat for terrible behavior. We could reinforce why background checks are still necessary in a high-demand industry. We could give options to those that feel as though silence is the only means of safety. We could actually make tech safer.
I’m still in a weird mental state so I’ll probably lay low a little longer, but I wanted to at least get this conversation going. I so appreciate the many of you that supported me these past couple of weeks and for helping me process the details. In a screwed up twist of fate, I’ve made some new friends as a result of this ordeal and I look forward to moving forward with them and sharing this as a case study. Regardless of what’s next, I’m taking back my voice. Please, let’s talk about this and do better in the future. Thanks. ❤
