2019. What. A. Year.
I need to put it plainly like that. While I’m not into the “new year, new me” crap, I’m having a hard time denying the changes I’ve made this past year thanks to the relationships I’ve both gained and lost along the way. Instead of treating 2019 like the awkward growth spurt it was, I’d rather maintain the takeaways as a firm standard for 2020. So much of this started from my realization of how often I give the benefit of doubt to the wrong people and how that pattern upholds a lot of bullshit in my own life as well as the status quo in society. This was a tough reflection to see in the mirror, but I’m still so grateful it was all made apparent through the GDI chronicles. Plus, the ordeal put me on a path to new people and causes that felt way more aligned to my goals. One person in particular that defines my 2019 is Kim Crayton. I’d be remiss to write up a reflection piece without mentioning her individual impact, as she prepped me in late 2018 for a lot of what I’d run into throughout 2019. She recognized how I like to poke and prod my environments (even if timidly so at times) and my own conditioning so she warned that I’d catch hell from my disruptive efforts. Yowza was she right. A lot of people in my life weren’t ready for this adjustment of mine, but the path felt and continues to feel right even in those moments of blowback. Kim is a beacon and I feel so lucky to have her in my life. Do yourself a favor and tune in to her podcast, as she’s at the forefront of challenging tech and pushing for change. There’s always room for more sponsorship, too, so she can keep doing what she does while financially secure and getting credit for her hard work.
So what comes after recognizing that you give the wrong people the benefit of doubt? I opted for setting boundaries and avoiding social absolutes. Not sure what that means? Great! Let’s break it down.
Setting Boundaries
When you’re an energetic, extroverted, “I don’t know you, but I like you!” type of person like me, you’ll find yourself bending over backwards for just about anyone. I’ve extended the benefit of doubt in countless situations and assumed positive intent thinking that’s what happy, positive humans do — until I slowly recognized the enabling damage that comes from this behavior. Honestly, I think it’s a tragic flaw in most white women like myself; we’re conditioned to think everyone’s intentions are good and to not question or doubt one another. That lack of trust is a sign of disrespect and of course we don’t want to be disrespectful! Woof. What a perfect means of upholding damaging, unchecked systems. To be clear, this isn’t some statement of “DON’T TRUST ANYONE. EVER.” No. I’m simply stating how I’ve learned to remain neutral towards folks until trust is earned through repeated behavior. We can hope for positive intent to be in play without clouding our judgement or assuming it’s already there. So how do we go about this?
Ask more questions
Writing that header makes me smile, as I was raised on EA video games with the whispering “challenge everything” kid. Here, it’s worth an embed:
So you’d think that this slightly-creepy, subliminal messaging throughout my adolescent life would make for a wrecking ball of skepticism in my adulthood but nah. I still fell in line with thinking that the world is full of people trying their best and that everyone’s on a path of growing and learning. And no wonder! I’m a white, privileged woman in the US; I had never been burned by a society built largely in my favor. On the flip side, as a woman in our society (especially one outnumbered in a career path I so badly wanted for myself), I felt conditioned to quietly fall in line and avoid disrupting the processes that were granting me access. Fun combination, right? Still, with my immense privilege, I kicked myself to do better. Time to poke and lightly challenge some things.
Asking questions is a quick means of sorting out intentions and expectations. Some folks live life in a completely unchecked manner so this acts as an “oh, I’m accountable for what happens next” sort of reminder, but in a respectful manner. Granted, I have lost friends over this approach so results may vary, but it serves me 99% of the time. I’ll save those rare details for my social absolutes and unconditional warnings later in this post.
Understand that people love status quo
I recognized how many people cling to status quo as a means of order, familiarity, and convenience. Plus, a lot of people in power greatly benefit from status quo so keeping it in place is imperative. I’ll be the cliche white woman and say that yes, the 2016 election really brought this home for me, too. Beyond politics, the same goes for folks that expect people to uphold traditions, societal norms, all the way to interpersonal expectations. Many people deeply fear change and that fear snarls any form of evolution and adaptation. So! When you’re attempting to set standards for yourself, anticipate the fact that people will push back because you’re going against the grain. Sometimes it’s a great move that will unearth a subversive network of people that align. I’ve certainly been there this past year. But that group rarely outnumbers those that are turned off by the ruffling of feathers. At least it’s a quick and effective means of seeing where people stand in your life. Which leads me to the next point…
Use your energy wisely
This one was tricky for me. I view my energy levels as being excessive at most times so I rarely worry about how I use it because I figure “meh, plenty to go around!” Sure, I might take forever to get tired or drained, but that doesn’t mean that focusing my energy in the wrong directions doesn’t result in a negative impact. There’s a fine balance between giving people or situations attention, positive or negative, and I’ve had to learn how to spot meaningful progress versus endless churn. Take for example the fact I’m a magnet for white males that want to better understand the impact of status quo in tech: I will sometimes spend hours, even days, trying to convey the realities that myself and others experience as a means of bridging these guys to a new perspective. While I often see this as a productive use of my privilege and energy, I must recognize when I’m dealing with a troll or someone that has no interest in seeing beyond their own opinions. I’ve lost a lot of time focusing on those cases when I could have been putting that energy into folks that get it. Y’know, folks that want to move forward and don’t need to be spoon fed the fact that humans have varied experiences on this earth beyond a single vantage point. *sigh* While I regret a lot of those instances of wasted energy, the lesson was a necessary one and one I’d have to feel before I truly accepted it. Hitting those walls enough times eventually redirected me to better routes. Now, I can sniff a troll for miles and point to resources as a means of saying, “hey, go educate yourself before stepping up and taking my time.” Quite necessary and keeps my energy where it counts.
Stand by your principles and values
Do you have pet peeves that aren’t understood by others? Maybe you’re so over a particular, societal norm that you simply refuse to perpetuate it? Perhaps there’s an expectation of you thanks to whatever source of conditioning that you don’t appreciate? Great! Take a stance. This might be the toughest, as blowback can be immediate and constant, but it’s so important to maintain a set of consistent principles and values when setting boundaries with others. Otherwise, you’ll leave people feeling confused and/or trying to call your bluff from time to time. Caving as a means of avoidance will enable the lack of respect in your direction, which ultimately bites you in the ass. When all else fails…
Be honest and tell your truth
If all these other attempts are tricky or difficult, just be honest. Say how you’re feeling, tell your truth, and deal with the reactions. Your truth is your shield and you can stand by it when folks try to disrupt or challenge you. Again, the consistency is key, too. The more folks understand where and how you draw the line, the sooner they’ll be forced to lay off these poking antics. Coming out ahead of it could spare a lot of time and result in quicker communication. All in how you want to conduct yourself in each moment.
I’d like to shift into some variables that come from the other side of the table. Much of what I’ve said so far is about what you can do to control yourself in a situation, but now I’d like to highlight some patterns that can help you to anticipate potentially negative clashes. Once you improve your ability to spot them, you’ll be able to set your boundaries or simply disengage.
Avoiding Social Absolutes
This section is basically me poking at the notion of “unconditional love” and the covert aggressiveness that comes from others projecting their unchecked expectations onto you. Such behaviors stir up the pot and lead to uncomfortable interactions that can benefit from boundaries. I have countless examples in mind that could paint the picture of these scenarios, but I’d rather cover them from a higher level and spare a deeper dive for a different K Study. Here we go!
Unconditional terms in relationships
Hearing “unconditional” in any manner having to do with adult relationships or interactions is such a red flag for me. The number of times in my past I’ve caved to this notion of how I should behave because of someone that supposedly deserved unconditional love from me. Not anymore. The second we start defaulting expectations is the second we squeeze out all the room for discussion, learning, questioning, growth, change, mutual love, etc. I can’t do it. Doesn’t make sense. Why must we set an entitled standard of how the other person is to act and behave without any say from them? How unfair! Our society loves to impose this stuff on us all the time: “Family is unconditional!” “Best friends forever!” “Blood is thicker than water!” Yeah, sure. But do you know the full quote? Because I didn’t for a long part of my life and it gave me a new world view once I heard it:
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
The condensed version is used to remind folks that they should respect the unconditional bonds instilled by family when the actual quote is about the bonds created through partnership. Or as I like to think, the bonds created through mutual respect, shared values, challenging one another, inspiring growth, etc. So before you think I’m all anti-family over here, let me mention that I was raised by a wonderful, loving family. I was also, however, subjected to that notion of “family first” as well as this expectation that the people I was raised by and with are to forever be the most important people in my life. I just don’t see why it’s a hierarchy in the first place. We don’t get to pick and choose our families or the folks around us in our childhood; why do we insist they must stick when the choices are ours to make later as adults? Let’s take cases of kids with abusive parents: why are they to be shamed for cutting off extremely toxic people in their lives? Should shitty parents really maintain some magical status over the people that actually supported and nurtured such children? Now, I could answer myself by kicking off a discussion about societal norms influenced by patriarchal, cultural, and religious rules, but I’ll resist. At least for this post.
Another example is the coveted BFF. We train our children to pick people that are to be held to a higher standard without any sort of explicit checkpoints or timelines. “Forever, I guess.” We watch as they put each other on a high shelf and never question them, as doing so would challenge the foundation of such absolutes. And how dare anyone question a best friendship! We’ve all seen Mean Girls and every coming-of-age story. Hell, I’ve learned firsthand, a few times, the devastating impact of questioning a best friendship. As a young adult, I would turn off my brutally inquisitive mind to avoid tapping into such touchy territories. As time went on, the dam of my concerns and questions would build up and form this toxic waterfall of resentment that would ultimately drown the whole ordeal. So much fun. Even when I learned from the bottling up cases, I still lost friends from opting to speak my truth and ask questions. When people expect unconditional standards, they will not handle the moment the questions start flying. Total lose/lose situation. So I’m left with my anecdotal conclusion: any notion of unconditional love among adults is largely an absolute that imposes a non-negotiable contract. And what could make these scenarios worse? This next point!
The toxicity of covert aggressiveness
::chills:: Okay, this portion really lights me up. But first, let’s talk about terms. I have been using “passive aggressiveness” to describe when people manipulate relationships in a manner that sounds positive but is rather brutal, frustrating, or unproductive. I eventually learned that I’m actually thinking of “covert aggression,” which is similar but all a matter of execution. Let’s take a page out of “In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People”:
Passive-aggression is, as the term implies, aggressing though passivity. Examples of passive-aggression are playing the game of emotional “get-back” with someone by resisting cooperation with them, giving them the “silent treatment,” pouting or whining, not so accidentally “forgetting” something they wanted you to do because you’re angry and didn’t really feel like obliging them, etc. In contrast, covert aggression is very active, albeit veiled, aggression. When someone is being covertly aggressive, they’re using calculating, underhanded means to get what they want or manipulate the response of others while keeping their aggressive intentions under cover.
Right! So “covert aggressiveness” is the flavor I experience most in interpersonal situations that use unconditional love, patronizing jabs, or a guilt-riddled means of forcing a desired reaction. I also see it in everyday Twitter engagements e.g. when white women jump into a thread about racism, shove their whole foot in their mouths, but then spin the conversations to victimize and center themselves when it all comes crashing down. While “centering” is a decent label for such antics, calling it covert aggression puts teeth behind the behavior and showcases how a grown adult made decisions that are harmful and damaging — aggressive. I intend to maintain this concept going forward, as too many people wiggle away from accountability when viewed as the victim and not the aggressor. Call it what it is.
My point in bringing up these definitions and examples is that the scenario of unconditional expectations and manipulative personalities requires boundaries to be in play. Otherwise, you’ll collapse into a vicious cycle of accommodating the forces around you instead of reinforcing and infusing your own reality. Now you’re just a cog in the machine of someone else’s world view; expected to function as they see fit regardless of the impact on you. Hard nope.
So what’s the goal?
I want to live in a world where humans interact like macroscopic particles; bouncing off one another and impacting energy through inelastic collisions. Both changed by the interaction. This reality would force us, on a global scale, to recognize that status quo is fluid and ever changing. That a consensus is fleeting and how we must stay on our toes due to the constant shift in dynamics. But, hey, what a means of embracing the human condition! We listen, we experience, we analyze, we adjust, and we adapt. Why not expect the same flexibility in the standards and systems that bind us?
::pops dream bubble::
I’ll shelf that one for now, but I do hope it’s a seed that can be planted in more minds in the future. We’re still here on this rock because of adaptability; we can’t thwart that tendency with some antiquated, social absolutes that lull us into an unearned state of complacency! We’ve got work to do.
And with that, I hope you’ll take away these major themes and carry them with you like I intend to so that 2020 can kick off with some preparation and motivation. Go crush it!
